Our celebrations were wonderful in the simplest of ways. -long talks and silences over coffee, our wedding video playing in the back ground, a glass of wine, Skipp's guitar, my drum sticks and our voices blending in harmony as we sang old folk songs and favorites of ours, cards and flowers and well wishes from cyber space to our front door, fun food and family visits, a delicious meal down on the water on the Guilford shore looking out to the lobster boats and Long Island Sound, the sky turned winter gray and the cool salt air filtered in through the window as we ate and drank and laughed and talked and held hands. I am filled with gratitude by all the gifts in our lives so evident in just this one paragraph.-
our home
music
love
contentment
food
wine
family
friends
laughter
sight-sound-touch-taste-
ALL GIFTS and many, many more. The list could go on forever.
Times like these - those special dates that bring back memories and are reminders of so much of what was and what is. People don't get to over half a century old without some "life-lesson gifts', you know the one's I am talking about, right? Oh things like, death, loss, betrayal, disappointment, fear, illness, and so forth - and I am no exception nor is Skipp. I always write about balance and so it is that our life has a mix of gifts that leave us screaming with joy and/or screaming with "why"!! We reconcile this mix by honoring all of it - sounds weird huh? to honor the hard lessons/gifts? They are all part of our design - our life together - ours to face, our shared joys and sorrows - As we watched our wedding video and listened to our vows of promise, hope and love unconditional the camera scanned over our guests. Our brother-in-law, who just died this past January was our 'camera man. He captured the evening so well. Skipp and I watched the video as it paused on his dear friend Mike who died of AIDS a few years back - he was born infected. Our young nephew, Clayton - just 32 when he died in 2002. My best friend's Dad, Pete, died three years ago this past June. A long time family friend - Joe, he too passed six years or so ago. And my oldest daughter Kristie, who has since moved 500 miles away - I miss her and my grandchildren Leanna and Jacob so much. And others whose lives have changed, so much so, that their closeness to us has ebbed and flowed and drifted away. And there is the strength of the constants - My Mom, my sister, my best friend JoAnn, Dolan, Jennifer, and of course, "us", - still standing - still loving - still believing - still singing - still laughing - still crying - still blessed - still grieving - still celebrating - oh yes, celebrating, all of it!! It is our life just as it is.
And although I have posted this song before, it is fitting I do so again, by a different singer this time - a man whose voice is haunting and passionate - whose life had meaning and demands and love and truth. When I first heard this version we were in Brooklyn visiting Dolan for his 25th birthday. Dolan took us to one of his favorite cafes. It was an old rustic place with dark beaten wood and tilted booths and old crooked floors - and as I walked in this version of "In My Life" was playing - I asked our waiter who was singing it and he answered, "why that is Johnny Cash from his last CD of all cover songs - recorded shortly before he died" And my sister gave us the CD for our anniversary. It is amazing. :-) And so I end this writing with 'Johnny Cash' singing "In My Life".
Love Gail
peace.....
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
AUGUST 29TH!
We were born on the same day AUGUST 29TH - Fun, huh? And we were married on our birthdays - AUGUST 29TH!! I am not big on what all the "signs" mean, however we are true Virgos. :-) We like things neat and in order - and yet closets and drawers are usually askew.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22 Virgo is the sixth Sign of the Zodiac, to be exact, and that's the way Virgos like it: exacting. Those born under this Sign are forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical (and they can be), but their 'attention to detail' is for a reason: to help others. Virgos, more than any other Sign, were born to serve, and it gives them great joy. They are also tailor-made for the job, since they are industrious, methodical and efficient. The sense of duty borne by these folks is considerable, and it ensures that they will always work for the greater good.
And we both are truly servants - in our work, to our families and friends and those in need.Our home is designed to serve by being a safe place where the tired can rest, the hungry can eat, the cold can get warm the lonely can find understanding, the happy can celebrate, the scared are calmed, the despairing feel hopeful and a place where the the peaceful gather. There are white candles in every window all the time lighting the way - most all are welcome here - and I make no apologies for our conditions. No one can bear arms here, no violence, no expressions of hate - we also decided years ago that our life - our love - our home is a place of purpose and celebration and all who enter are invited to experience that with us - and in turn we are privileged with celebrating others - if our love and our home is not a celebration to someone then that energy must stay out. I love the word celebrate. :-)
Mu husband Skipp was adopted - raised Jewish - and was quite privileged in his life. By heritage/birth, he was one of 12 children, - and is Blackfoot Indian and Swedish. He and one of his older brothers were number five and six of the 12 - born during troubled times for their folks and both given up for adoption to the same Jewish family in Newton, MA. We found his biological family in 1990. His birth-Mom died six months before. His birth -Dad - a real gem as are all the other brothers and sisters. Skipp is an amazing musician, singer/songwriter, guitarist and classically trained pianist. He is a beautiful soul of good intention, kindness, loving Dad and Grand-Dad, loyal to a fault, hard working guy that I adore and love beyond expression. here he is with all of his sons - Ethan (the one who went to Japan in the Navy), Adam - his eldest and in his wedding garb - Skipp, oh so proud - Christian - his son that was taken away 30 years ago and we found five years ago and Dolan - my boy - always wears a tie. :-)
I was born of in Connecticut and grew up in Milford. My Mom is 100% Italian - and my Dad- Austrian and Irish. They had a good marriage and I learned about how a man and a woman are suppose to treat one another from watching them. I learned about being a good neighbor and friend. We always had a family member or neighborhood kid staying with us that was down on their luck. My Dad taught me how to pitch - fast soft ball. I was really good and pitched no-hitters. We were raised Catholic-Italian and followed the traditions hard and true. And the abuse I experienced from the teacher? I never brought it home - I never told. None of us did - of the four we all kept our secret. I have one sister, older, heehee - she is a nurse. We were four years apart so we were not really close as kids - but now - we are bonded tightly and the best of friends.
Our wedding was so beautiful. Right here in our yard surrounded by a circle of torches with our closest family and friends to witness and celebrate. Skipp sang some of his original songs and we sang "In My Life" together for all those who attended. We broke bread and shared wine and Skipp sang a Jewish prayer and an Indian prayer was read. My Mom read "Love is patient-love is kind" from the bible. And everyone sang "Let There Be Peace On Earth".
Two amazing songs, huh? It really was a beautiful evening and celebration of two souls who found one another and blended into each other with passion, purpose, unconditional love and servitude - and music - oh such sweet music.
Sorry for the horrible quality of these photos - I took pictures of pictures from our wedding album. There were no digital cameras back then. Oh my. I think you get the gist though, the first one is us walking out together, the middle is the breaking of the bread and the end is us singing 'In My Life' to our guests. And yes, Skipp is wearing a purple silk suit and he does have feathers braided in to his hair. I swear he does! :-) I am wearing a white silky sun dress and I have real flowers on a long clip in my hair with ribbons hanging down.
And so we prayed and sang and danced and read from the Bible and broke bread and said our vows and we laughed and we cried and we celebrated our purpose, our passion, our love, our family and friends and the wonders of nature that surrounded us. We have kept every promise - stayed true to every vow and have loved unconditionally and passionately and shared it with many - it is all much bigger than us. Love is like that. :-)
And so this week I/we build with anticipation as we remember the days before - the joy - the hope - the people - some are gone now - and new one's have been born -
and so it goes..so it goes.............
Love Gail
peace.....
August 23 - September 22
And we both are truly servants - in our work, to our families and friends and those in need.Our home is designed to serve by being a safe place where the tired can rest, the hungry can eat, the cold can get warm the lonely can find understanding, the happy can celebrate, the scared are calmed, the despairing feel hopeful and a place where the the peaceful gather. There are white candles in every window all the time lighting the way - most all are welcome here - and I make no apologies for our conditions. No one can bear arms here, no violence, no expressions of hate - we also decided years ago that our life - our love - our home is a place of purpose and celebration and all who enter are invited to experience that with us - and in turn we are privileged with celebrating others - if our love and our home is not a celebration to someone then that energy must stay out. I love the word celebrate. :-)
Mu husband Skipp was adopted - raised Jewish - and was quite privileged in his life. By heritage/birth, he was one of 12 children, - and is Blackfoot Indian and Swedish. He and one of his older brothers were number five and six of the 12 - born during troubled times for their folks and both given up for adoption to the same Jewish family in Newton, MA. We found his biological family in 1990. His birth-Mom died six months before. His birth -Dad - a real gem as are all the other brothers and sisters. Skipp is an amazing musician, singer/songwriter, guitarist and classically trained pianist. He is a beautiful soul of good intention, kindness, loving Dad and Grand-Dad, loyal to a fault, hard working guy that I adore and love beyond expression. here he is with all of his sons - Ethan (the one who went to Japan in the Navy), Adam - his eldest and in his wedding garb - Skipp, oh so proud - Christian - his son that was taken away 30 years ago and we found five years ago and Dolan - my boy - always wears a tie. :-)
I was born of in Connecticut and grew up in Milford. My Mom is 100% Italian - and my Dad- Austrian and Irish. They had a good marriage and I learned about how a man and a woman are suppose to treat one another from watching them. I learned about being a good neighbor and friend. We always had a family member or neighborhood kid staying with us that was down on their luck. My Dad taught me how to pitch - fast soft ball. I was really good and pitched no-hitters. We were raised Catholic-Italian and followed the traditions hard and true. And the abuse I experienced from the teacher? I never brought it home - I never told. None of us did - of the four we all kept our secret. I have one sister, older, heehee - she is a nurse. We were four years apart so we were not really close as kids - but now - we are bonded tightly and the best of friends.
Our wedding was so beautiful. Right here in our yard surrounded by a circle of torches with our closest family and friends to witness and celebrate. Skipp sang some of his original songs and we sang "In My Life" together for all those who attended. We broke bread and shared wine and Skipp sang a Jewish prayer and an Indian prayer was read. My Mom read "Love is patient-love is kind" from the bible. And everyone sang "Let There Be Peace On Earth".
Two amazing songs, huh? It really was a beautiful evening and celebration of two souls who found one another and blended into each other with passion, purpose, unconditional love and servitude - and music - oh such sweet music.
Sorry for the horrible quality of these photos - I took pictures of pictures from our wedding album. There were no digital cameras back then. Oh my. I think you get the gist though, the first one is us walking out together, the middle is the breaking of the bread and the end is us singing 'In My Life' to our guests. And yes, Skipp is wearing a purple silk suit and he does have feathers braided in to his hair. I swear he does! :-) I am wearing a white silky sun dress and I have real flowers on a long clip in my hair with ribbons hanging down.
And so we prayed and sang and danced and read from the Bible and broke bread and said our vows and we laughed and we cried and we celebrated our purpose, our passion, our love, our family and friends and the wonders of nature that surrounded us. We have kept every promise - stayed true to every vow and have loved unconditionally and passionately and shared it with many - it is all much bigger than us. Love is like that. :-)
And so this week I/we build with anticipation as we remember the days before - the joy - the hope - the people - some are gone now - and new one's have been born -
and so it goes..so it goes.............
Love Gail
peace.....
Monday, August 17, 2009
October's Truths
I am glad summer is coming to it's end. Even though it is 95 degrees today and quite humid I know it wont be long before the mornings are chilly and the air has a crisp feel. The few neighborhood kids of which I am aware will go back to school and my surroundings will be even more still. Oh not of nature sounds and wild life about and the brook running freely but of sounds of barbecues and fire works and scooters and bike horns in the distance.
Instead, the chain saws will be oiled and buzzing loudly and wood will be split. The smell of smoke billowing from chimneys will fill the air. Autumn spice will accent soups and stews and pies and cobblers and the warmth of a pot of a simmering autumn favorite will fill our home with an array of tradition, love, aromas and contentment. Soon we will cut back the garden so the roots will stay dormant and strong until Spring. We will spend a few days gathering kindling wood and snapping it to fit in the barrels. The wood pile will be stacked and ready and our wood stove cleaned. I love to ready our home for Winter - settle in to the promise of glowing fires, Winter wines, flannel pajamas and baggy sweaters - having our morning coffee on the back deck - steam coming out from our mugs as we clutch them with both hands - oh yes, this is my time of year approaching.
It brings with it other sure memories. Certain smells trigger my past. Every year as Autumn is approaching. - I remember, feel and honor these truths. I recall walking home from school in early October and smelling smoke from chimneys, dried colored leaves and cool air on my face. I always took my shoes off after he was through - focused on my feet - I could escape him that way. October is my time to remember - not run and hide from my truth. October is also the final time with the priest - all in the name of Jesus and love and promise he professed was his reason - so I could be free. None of that was true. I know the truth. And my Dad died in October. I start to feel these truths as Autumn approaches - and the smells, and colors, and textures and shadows heighten my memory. I am blessed because I can remember. I am whole because I took the journey to myself. I ran a long distance away from myself - it was a hard run - and when my senses would scream the truth in October's past - I ran harder. but no more - I am nourished and defined and ravished by my memories - I feel him against me, in me... I was eleven. I feel the priest -I can see him blessing me - telling me he loved me and that he would sacrifice himself for me - I fought back and he hit me - I feel the sting of the back of his hand hard on my face.
I remember the day my Dad died and I hold on tight to all that he was. October is a month that holds many truths, "it's"........ and I am filled with gratitude that I embrace every one - because to do otherwise was to deny myself the gift of 'me' - and that is no longer an option. All of me has purpose and intent - all of me is lovable. I have freed Annie - the kid in me many years ago - she is one of my greatest sources of strength - she survived the teacher when I was eleven - she is amazing and I love that part of me. I had her hidden for so long. I remember when I was on my healing journey and freeing the kid in me - I called him, the teacher. He was still alive. I screamed in the phone at him - and I can still hear him saying my name, "Gail, Gail, meet me, I can help you......" I did set up a meeting - I parked in the mall parking lot across the street from the diner I told him to meet me at - I watched as he pulled up in a large black car and got out with his walking stick - I dry heaved and left. I know it was a stupid thing to do but whatever. I did it. I never called him again.
And so as the leaves turn Autumn gold and red and fall and the air crisps and chills, and the smell of wood burning stoves and fire places fills the air and my mind and body and spirit are filled with every emotion, feeling and memory. I am going to surrender - I am going to wrestle and moan and scream and immerse myself in myself. And what a self it is!! I was lost for many years - chained to a darkness of hidden truth - and I found my way in to the light - to me. Amen. Bring it on October!! :-)
Love Gail
peace.....
Instead, the chain saws will be oiled and buzzing loudly and wood will be split. The smell of smoke billowing from chimneys will fill the air. Autumn spice will accent soups and stews and pies and cobblers and the warmth of a pot of a simmering autumn favorite will fill our home with an array of tradition, love, aromas and contentment. Soon we will cut back the garden so the roots will stay dormant and strong until Spring. We will spend a few days gathering kindling wood and snapping it to fit in the barrels. The wood pile will be stacked and ready and our wood stove cleaned. I love to ready our home for Winter - settle in to the promise of glowing fires, Winter wines, flannel pajamas and baggy sweaters - having our morning coffee on the back deck - steam coming out from our mugs as we clutch them with both hands - oh yes, this is my time of year approaching.
It brings with it other sure memories. Certain smells trigger my past. Every year as Autumn is approaching. - I remember, feel and honor these truths. I recall walking home from school in early October and smelling smoke from chimneys, dried colored leaves and cool air on my face. I always took my shoes off after he was through - focused on my feet - I could escape him that way. October is my time to remember - not run and hide from my truth. October is also the final time with the priest - all in the name of Jesus and love and promise he professed was his reason - so I could be free. None of that was true. I know the truth. And my Dad died in October. I start to feel these truths as Autumn approaches - and the smells, and colors, and textures and shadows heighten my memory. I am blessed because I can remember. I am whole because I took the journey to myself. I ran a long distance away from myself - it was a hard run - and when my senses would scream the truth in October's past - I ran harder. but no more - I am nourished and defined and ravished by my memories - I feel him against me, in me... I was eleven. I feel the priest -I can see him blessing me - telling me he loved me and that he would sacrifice himself for me - I fought back and he hit me - I feel the sting of the back of his hand hard on my face.
I remember the day my Dad died and I hold on tight to all that he was. October is a month that holds many truths, "it's"........ and I am filled with gratitude that I embrace every one - because to do otherwise was to deny myself the gift of 'me' - and that is no longer an option. All of me has purpose and intent - all of me is lovable. I have freed Annie - the kid in me many years ago - she is one of my greatest sources of strength - she survived the teacher when I was eleven - she is amazing and I love that part of me. I had her hidden for so long. I remember when I was on my healing journey and freeing the kid in me - I called him, the teacher. He was still alive. I screamed in the phone at him - and I can still hear him saying my name, "Gail, Gail, meet me, I can help you......" I did set up a meeting - I parked in the mall parking lot across the street from the diner I told him to meet me at - I watched as he pulled up in a large black car and got out with his walking stick - I dry heaved and left. I know it was a stupid thing to do but whatever. I did it. I never called him again.
And so as the leaves turn Autumn gold and red and fall and the air crisps and chills, and the smell of wood burning stoves and fire places fills the air and my mind and body and spirit are filled with every emotion, feeling and memory. I am going to surrender - I am going to wrestle and moan and scream and immerse myself in myself. And what a self it is!! I was lost for many years - chained to a darkness of hidden truth - and I found my way in to the light - to me. Amen. Bring it on October!! :-)
Love Gail
peace.....
Sunday, August 16, 2009
SHE BROUGHT ME FLOWERS
And so my eyes lit up, grew large with surprise and delight as she came through the door holding flowers, flowers she bought for me!! Gladiolas, long, lovely, vibrant colored gladiolas. My heart sang and lifted when I saw her, so happy, with food bags and flowers in her arms. She brought lunch. :-) - honey ham and wunderbar bologna (my favorite), American cheese and fresh bakery rolls - and assorted cakes - carrot cake, a canoli, a cream and fruit filled croissant, a chocolate frosted brownie. And so we gathered, at the table - the very table in these pictures. My daughter, my Mom, my grandson, and my daughter's fairly new boyfriend. A bigger delight and surprise that made my heart sing? I like him - the boyfriend. It has been a while since I could join in and enjoy her choices in boyfriends. If you read back through some posts like "The Intruder" you will get the idea. But this guy, I like. First he has a beautiful smile and really good eye-contact and a warm and firm had shake. I watched Jo'el and him interact - it was warm and funny and 'guy-like' in the best of ways. And I watched my daughter be herself, so funny, relaxed, playful, and free. He showed her appropriate affection and she reveled in his touch - and I watched how he looked at her - oh my - my heart filled with joy. He adores her.
So yes, I was so delighted by the flowers and the lunch served - but I am thrilled and so relieved about their relationship and how happy all of them looked and acted. Everyone was so comfortable and free to just "be". There aren't enough flowers, pounds of bologna, honey ham and cheese, rolls and pastry to equal the joy I felt because of my daughter's and grandson's happiness and freedom. They were, in the past, in prison. I tried to get them out and I couldn't. Mainly because she did not want to be freed. I couldn't give her that desire - she had to create it for herself - the waiting was horrid - but she did it - she found the key to free herself and her son from "The Intruder" . It was a glorious day. I gave her a card -one of those singing Hallmark cards with some lines from this song -
I don't know where this relationship will go I just know that I am at ease knowing that my daughter and grandson are happy, safe, and free. Now, the new boyfriend, that I like, has to get a freaking job. Always something, huh? :-)
Love Gail
peace.....
Friday, August 14, 2009
Disabled? What? - I Will Have A Cheeseburger.
"Disabled". What? Let me say it again. ahem (me clearing my throat) okay, here goes: "disabled". Nope, can't wrap my mind around it. Let me get the true meaning of the word.
dis·a·bled
I still don't like the flavor of it. Nope, not at all. Although, it is such that I am, in fact, disabled, amongst those with a disability. I have a disability. I am one of the people for whom 'The Americans With Disabilities Act represents. And thank goodness for those fine folks. I have a handicapped parking sticker. Oh yet another word. Handicapped. I must go look that word up. Be right back.
This definition seemed to fit best. I do think however that "usual activities" is quite vague and very subjective. Do you agree? This obvious sarcasm comes out in me from time to time. I am facing the test - and what a weird test it is. On the one hand I do not want to be labeled disabled, handicapped or be known as someone with a disability. And yet, not only do the words apply I have to prove the severity so my long term disability continues. Strange how 'they" expect the disabled to jump through hoops. Here's the bottom line. I can no longer perform my job. I hate to say it, but it is the God's honest truth. I can't do it any more. My evaluations and symptoms read something like this:-
Diagnosis - Multiple Sclerosis - since 6/30/04
symptoms:
- painful numbness/tingling in lower extremities requiring elevation of legs several times a day to alleviate
- extreme fatigue and overall weakness requiring rest and sleep several times a day to improve ability to function
- weakness in right leg which, if over-used, leg begins to drag .... and requires 24 hours to improve.
-patient can walk with assistance of walker with 4 wheels and a seat and or a cane in confined areas up to five minutes before requiring to sit. can stand up to five minutes.
- unpredictable painful spasms and muscle stiffness which take up to 20 minutes to relax
- poor concentration/focus - can involve in a task or project for approximately 30 minutes before focus is lost
-diminished vision - cannot read or be on a computer for more than 30 minutes or strain and blurriness occurs
TREATMENT/PROGNOSIS
Avonex injections
daily exercise for toning and balance as outlined by physical therapist
rest daily as symptoms require for fatigue and to alleviate pain of numbness and muscles
avoid heat
avoid stress
keep hydrated
PROGNOSIS:
symptoms can be managed if limits are followed. Symptoms will not improve. patient is not able to perform her job due to symptoms and managing of same.
So there you have it. Ick!
I do not feel all that disabled at home. And that's because I can manage my symptoms here, rest as needed, elevate my legs, sit quietly and watch nature, listen to music Out in the world, and certainly at work my limits/disability are so obvious.
I think we all have disabilities of one sort or another and we have to be honest about them and manage them as we should to be able to live as fully as we can. I know I have M S, and that it requires diligence on my part to manage. I also know that M S doesn't have me - and that I have freedoms in my life that are mine to enjoy every day. I have my weaker moments when I wrangle with "why" and give in to fear........and even entertain some self-pity from time to time. eeeeeewwwww I don't like that feeling at all! I know a few posts back I wrote about these upcoming months of testing in August and then meeting with my neurologist in September. Oh it is all so unsettling, so freeing, so frightening, so perfect in it's timing, so wondrous, so life-changing, so full of opportunity, so final, so new, so exciting, so sad, - it is a whirl of every emotion.
For today, I am status quo......I just enjoyed a burger and a beer in a frosty mug!!! Ah, paradise. Enjoy.............
Love Gail
Peace
dis·a·bled
|
| 4. | a physical or mental disability making participation in certain of the usual activities of daily living more difficult. |
This definition seemed to fit best. I do think however that "usual activities" is quite vague and very subjective. Do you agree? This obvious sarcasm comes out in me from time to time. I am facing the test - and what a weird test it is. On the one hand I do not want to be labeled disabled, handicapped or be known as someone with a disability. And yet, not only do the words apply I have to prove the severity so my long term disability continues. Strange how 'they" expect the disabled to jump through hoops. Here's the bottom line. I can no longer perform my job. I hate to say it, but it is the God's honest truth. I can't do it any more. My evaluations and symptoms read something like this:-
Diagnosis - Multiple Sclerosis - since 6/30/04
symptoms:
- painful numbness/tingling in lower extremities requiring elevation of legs several times a day to alleviate
- extreme fatigue and overall weakness requiring rest and sleep several times a day to improve ability to function
- weakness in right leg which, if over-used, leg begins to drag .... and requires 24 hours to improve.
-patient can walk with assistance of walker with 4 wheels and a seat and or a cane in confined areas up to five minutes before requiring to sit. can stand up to five minutes.
- unpredictable painful spasms and muscle stiffness which take up to 20 minutes to relax
- poor concentration/focus - can involve in a task or project for approximately 30 minutes before focus is lost
-diminished vision - cannot read or be on a computer for more than 30 minutes or strain and blurriness occurs
TREATMENT/PROGNOSIS
Avonex injections
daily exercise for toning and balance as outlined by physical therapist
rest daily as symptoms require for fatigue and to alleviate pain of numbness and muscles
avoid heat
avoid stress
keep hydrated
PROGNOSIS:
symptoms can be managed if limits are followed. Symptoms will not improve. patient is not able to perform her job due to symptoms and managing of same.
So there you have it. Ick!
I do not feel all that disabled at home. And that's because I can manage my symptoms here, rest as needed, elevate my legs, sit quietly and watch nature, listen to music Out in the world, and certainly at work my limits/disability are so obvious.
I think we all have disabilities of one sort or another and we have to be honest about them and manage them as we should to be able to live as fully as we can. I know I have M S, and that it requires diligence on my part to manage. I also know that M S doesn't have me - and that I have freedoms in my life that are mine to enjoy every day. I have my weaker moments when I wrangle with "why" and give in to fear........and even entertain some self-pity from time to time. eeeeeewwwww I don't like that feeling at all! I know a few posts back I wrote about these upcoming months of testing in August and then meeting with my neurologist in September. Oh it is all so unsettling, so freeing, so frightening, so perfect in it's timing, so wondrous, so life-changing, so full of opportunity, so final, so new, so exciting, so sad, - it is a whirl of every emotion.
For today, I am status quo......I just enjoyed a burger and a beer in a frosty mug!!! Ah, paradise. Enjoy.............
Love Gail
Peace
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A TORCH STILL LIT - A SON SAILS
My step-son has finished Navy Boot Camp and Medic training school and now is going off to Japan tomorrow and perhaps to Kuwait in several months. I am worried.
When my step-sons were younger I was not allowed to be in their lives. It was very difficult for me and for Skipp to honor their mother's 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' approach to everything and sadly this rage in her justified her strong hold on their sons. They were divorced several years when I met Skipp and yet I still was seen as 'in the way'. She held a torch for him for many, many years. And only a year ago finally moved and married a man from high school she had once dated. His wife had died a year prior. When Skipp's "X" dated, which was only a few times over twenty+ ears, she would stop by Skipp's work to introduce the guy to him, seeking his approval. Can you even imagine?
And so my role became to free Skipp to be the best Dad he could be and on her terms. Which, as I reflect, were all designed to keep Skipp close to her. This song speaks for her.
And so I respected this yearning and honored her conditionS and never got in the middle of anything. I knew Skipp loved me and that we were doing what had to be done so he could be active in his son's lives. She had health issues and would have to be hospitalized and when that happened Skipp would go and stay with his sons. It was the right thing to do. He visited them at her home and took them places on weekends without me. It was just the way it had to be. Eventually she relaxed a bit and his boys could spend a holiday with us and visit - but that took years.
After she married and their eldest son got married and had a little baby girl, three years ago now. - we all embarked on a forgiveness journey. I don't know who started it or how it began but our little grand daughter Alaura had her first birthday party here, at our home, and Skipp's "X" and her husband came for dinner here and we all celebrated our grand daughter together. We all spoke honestly and lovingly and she admitted her rage and more importantly now ponders how different things for their sons would be had she not fought against them being in our lives. It was a tender and forgiving time for everyone. Skipp spoke truths silenced for years and she said she held a torch and wrongly denied him because of it - and truth be told - that torch is still lit!! It will never go out.
Still the damage was done, long ago and Skipp's sons are not close to me. We never got the chance to develop that bond. And so as his youngest boy heads off to Japan and perhaps war I am left in a distant space of my own fears and I am outside the circle of father and son, mother and son, parents and son. I never had the chance to complete the circle. And funny thing - as Skipp's "X" drives her son to the airport at five in the morning tomorrow, every fibre of my being believes Skipp should be there too. He is their son. I honored that back then and I still do today.
And so young man - of tender years. - I do love you although you never knew how much. I love you because you are your Father's son - because you are you. Be safe and come home to your parents well and strong. And may you continue to sing - dance- soar and sail...........
Love Gail
Peace.....
When my step-sons were younger I was not allowed to be in their lives. It was very difficult for me and for Skipp to honor their mother's 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' approach to everything and sadly this rage in her justified her strong hold on their sons. They were divorced several years when I met Skipp and yet I still was seen as 'in the way'. She held a torch for him for many, many years. And only a year ago finally moved and married a man from high school she had once dated. His wife had died a year prior. When Skipp's "X" dated, which was only a few times over twenty+ ears, she would stop by Skipp's work to introduce the guy to him, seeking his approval. Can you even imagine?
And so my role became to free Skipp to be the best Dad he could be and on her terms. Which, as I reflect, were all designed to keep Skipp close to her. This song speaks for her.
And so I respected this yearning and honored her conditionS and never got in the middle of anything. I knew Skipp loved me and that we were doing what had to be done so he could be active in his son's lives. She had health issues and would have to be hospitalized and when that happened Skipp would go and stay with his sons. It was the right thing to do. He visited them at her home and took them places on weekends without me. It was just the way it had to be. Eventually she relaxed a bit and his boys could spend a holiday with us and visit - but that took years.
After she married and their eldest son got married and had a little baby girl, three years ago now. - we all embarked on a forgiveness journey. I don't know who started it or how it began but our little grand daughter Alaura had her first birthday party here, at our home, and Skipp's "X" and her husband came for dinner here and we all celebrated our grand daughter together. We all spoke honestly and lovingly and she admitted her rage and more importantly now ponders how different things for their sons would be had she not fought against them being in our lives. It was a tender and forgiving time for everyone. Skipp spoke truths silenced for years and she said she held a torch and wrongly denied him because of it - and truth be told - that torch is still lit!! It will never go out.
Still the damage was done, long ago and Skipp's sons are not close to me. We never got the chance to develop that bond. And so as his youngest boy heads off to Japan and perhaps war I am left in a distant space of my own fears and I am outside the circle of father and son, mother and son, parents and son. I never had the chance to complete the circle. And funny thing - as Skipp's "X" drives her son to the airport at five in the morning tomorrow, every fibre of my being believes Skipp should be there too. He is their son. I honored that back then and I still do today.
And so young man - of tender years. - I do love you although you never knew how much. I love you because you are your Father's son - because you are you. Be safe and come home to your parents well and strong. And may you continue to sing - dance- soar and sail...........
Love Gail
Peace.....
Monday, August 10, 2009
Chapters of a Story
That's me and my daughter above and me and Jo'el to the left, and me and Jo'el outside at his birthday party,way below.And so he is seven (7), Jo'el - our grandson.
He certainly has lived a colorful life in his seven years on this earth. I often feared for him, worried about him and did all that I could to protect him only to realize that his story was being written and that the chapters that were mine were what I could control - I take that very seriously - as I know that we, as adults write our children's and grand children's stories until they are old enough to write the rest of their story on their own. But initially, it is ultimately our responsibility. I stopped trying to change how other people were writing parts of his story and focused only on my/parts. I knew that I/we could show him many things in our home. First, is how a man and a woman should treat one another - with kindness, respect, love, gentle humor, calm conversations, listening, equality, sharing, adoring, compromising, and the list goes on. We share traditions with hm like prayer before a meal and some manners like saying please and thank you and clearing your place after we've eaten. We show him about being a good neighbor and friend and not to waste. We ask his opinions and thought and really listen to his answers. His time with us is always gentle, loving and safe and he is free to just be a little boy.
I fought for so long to change other aspects of his world - those were not mine to change, I sure tried though - and some things have changed and changed for the better :-), but those changes are not about me. It was in her time and reference, not mine. It seems that when I let go of trying to make change outside of myself that change happened. It seems that when I focused on our world and how we could share it with Jo'el that I felt empowered. It is, after all, where our power lies, only within ourselves.
It was a wonderful party - the cake was beautiful, the gifts abundant, friends and family around to celebrate him - the singing was loud and joyous and I could see and feel his happy. I like this chapter in his story. I like it a lot. And so I ask you all, ' who is writing the story for the innocent children in your lives and what do you do when perhaps some of the 'writers' are creating chapters that read horribly. And what do the chapters look like for which you are responsible? I already know how much some of you are shaping the lives of your chidren and grandchildren in the most beautiful ways - I am in awe of this shared truth and I bow to it's value - and to all of you.
Peace and love to you all,
Gail
I fought for so long to change other aspects of his world - those were not mine to change, I sure tried though - and some things have changed and changed for the better :-), but those changes are not about me. It was in her time and reference, not mine. It seems that when I let go of trying to make change outside of myself that change happened. It seems that when I focused on our world and how we could share it with Jo'el that I felt empowered. It is, after all, where our power lies, only within ourselves.
It was a wonderful party - the cake was beautiful, the gifts abundant, friends and family around to celebrate him - the singing was loud and joyous and I could see and feel his happy. I like this chapter in his story. I like it a lot. And so I ask you all, ' who is writing the story for the innocent children in your lives and what do you do when perhaps some of the 'writers' are creating chapters that read horribly. And what do the chapters look like for which you are responsible? I already know how much some of you are shaping the lives of your chidren and grandchildren in the most beautiful ways - I am in awe of this shared truth and I bow to it's value - and to all of you.
Peace and love to you all,
Gail
Friday, August 7, 2009
HOPE - REDEFINED
This is a picture of "Hope" - the tree we brought home last Winter. Lovely, isn't she? For those of you who don't recall - we were shopping at Lowe's and there was a whole section of Norfolk tropical pines. I found this particular one which had diamond dust on her branches, I swear it's true - diamond dust. She was the only one. I spoke with a sales associate about planting her outside realizing how large she would eventually become. I was told that in this area - with New England weather she could only live inside. Given the size of our home we didn't think she would fit. We left Hope at the store. All night I was restless as if I had left a child behind. By morning I had named her "Hope" and my husband knew he had to go back and get her. And so he did. Since then, people have given us items that mean 'hope' to them and I hang them on her diamond dust covered branches. I keep a lovely book on the table near her where I write down who gave what to hang on her and the meaning. It is a lovely and growing tradition - she is a tree filled with HOPE. Over time she has redefined her "look". she has thinned out in the middle and has stretched out her diamond dust branches from side to side as if she is reaching out to hug and be hugged. Here is a picture of how she has redefined her "look". Lovely, huh? :-)
As you can see she is stretched from side to side. I have spent several weeks weeding out the dried branches from her center and also I spray her every day with a cool mist. She is thriving. That is a good recipe for a good life - weed out the dried up stuff and keep moist and cool!!! :-)
I would also like to ask folks if they want to send something for me to hang on 'Hope' that represents you and what hope means. I would be thrilled if any of you did.
Given the levity of the post before this one I felt it important to lighten the mood.!! I hope this proved effective.
Here's to "Hope"
Love Gail
peace.......
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Nothing To Forgive
I posted this song once before. And now again as it's meaning has unfolded and fallen in to itself. Please take a moment to listen to the words before you read this writing.
And so it was that over 2o years has passed and he decided to find his son. My son. I was stunned when a message came to me from a people search called 'My Life.com'. The message said, "where and how do I find _______? (I am leaving his name out intentionally). I was really taken back by this 'out of nowhere after decades past, request'!! I called my son. He was quite surprised and then said he needed a few days to think about it. I certainly didn't like at all that his father was searching for him. I maintained a neutral place so my son would not be influenced. I had always told him, that when we created him we loved each other and for a time we loved him together." I never bad mouthed his father after he left us.
A few days later my son called and asked me not to respond and told me that he had no intention of replying to the search and would I just leave it alone. I honored his decision. A few days ago my son called me to tell me that his Father found him on Face Book and that the message and reply went something like this:
"I know it has been a long time. I Lost your mother's phone number 20 years ago and the court said I wasn't allowed near you or your mother back then. I am sure you are angry at me and think I abandoned you. I always loved you. I know from your uncles how well you have done and I am so proud of you. I want you to know how sorry I am and I hope you will forgive me. Your loving father, _____.
My son replied something like this:
In regards to my being angry, I am not angry at you at all because I feel nothing for or about you nor do I hold you to anything. There is nothing to forgive you for either because you didn't leave me, I LEFT YOU!!. You are no more than an abandoned blip on some strangers radar screen. Don't contact me again and certainly don't contact my mother.
My son's words are quite powerful. I must admit that I feel like I won some kind of victory which is odd because after all these years I didn't know I was still at war. My son is very clear that he wants no relationship with his father and blocked him from further contact, via Face Book anyway. And for him, it was done. - Just like that! Done. I am the one carrying some old wounds and resentments for all that never was. I wanted him to say he was sorry for many, many years, and to ask for forgiveness, and truth be told? I feel a sick joy that his request was dismissed - not denied, DISMISSED which empowered my son and dis empowered him in ways that I never could have done. I can't even imagine carrying such a need to be forgiven by my child and when I finally asked to be forgiven that which I was painfully sorry for, for many years - I was invalidated and actually was told it NEVER even existed!!! My pain was for naught. My son, in one line, got right to the crux of it all.
And so the song I posted. I recall when it first came out and the radio announcer said, "if you are driving, pull over because this one is a tear-jerker!!!" I did pull over and I did cry. I cry every time I hear it, and now because a dream I had has ended - in that one line written on one day to a man who has no meaning, "There is nothing to forgive you for, you didn't leave me, I LEFT YOU...." and so it goes, so it goes.................
Love Gail
peace........
And so it was that over 2o years has passed and he decided to find his son. My son. I was stunned when a message came to me from a people search called 'My Life.com'. The message said, "where and how do I find _______? (I am leaving his name out intentionally). I was really taken back by this 'out of nowhere after decades past, request'!! I called my son. He was quite surprised and then said he needed a few days to think about it. I certainly didn't like at all that his father was searching for him. I maintained a neutral place so my son would not be influenced. I had always told him, that when we created him we loved each other and for a time we loved him together." I never bad mouthed his father after he left us.
A few days later my son called and asked me not to respond and told me that he had no intention of replying to the search and would I just leave it alone. I honored his decision. A few days ago my son called me to tell me that his Father found him on Face Book and that the message and reply went something like this:
"I know it has been a long time. I Lost your mother's phone number 20 years ago and the court said I wasn't allowed near you or your mother back then. I am sure you are angry at me and think I abandoned you. I always loved you. I know from your uncles how well you have done and I am so proud of you. I want you to know how sorry I am and I hope you will forgive me. Your loving father, _____.
My son replied something like this:
In regards to my being angry, I am not angry at you at all because I feel nothing for or about you nor do I hold you to anything. There is nothing to forgive you for either because you didn't leave me, I LEFT YOU!!. You are no more than an abandoned blip on some strangers radar screen. Don't contact me again and certainly don't contact my mother.
My son's words are quite powerful. I must admit that I feel like I won some kind of victory which is odd because after all these years I didn't know I was still at war. My son is very clear that he wants no relationship with his father and blocked him from further contact, via Face Book anyway. And for him, it was done. - Just like that! Done. I am the one carrying some old wounds and resentments for all that never was. I wanted him to say he was sorry for many, many years, and to ask for forgiveness, and truth be told? I feel a sick joy that his request was dismissed - not denied, DISMISSED which empowered my son and dis empowered him in ways that I never could have done. I can't even imagine carrying such a need to be forgiven by my child and when I finally asked to be forgiven that which I was painfully sorry for, for many years - I was invalidated and actually was told it NEVER even existed!!! My pain was for naught. My son, in one line, got right to the crux of it all.
And so the song I posted. I recall when it first came out and the radio announcer said, "if you are driving, pull over because this one is a tear-jerker!!!" I did pull over and I did cry. I cry every time I hear it, and now because a dream I had has ended - in that one line written on one day to a man who has no meaning, "There is nothing to forgive you for, you didn't leave me, I LEFT YOU...." and so it goes, so it goes.................
Love Gail
peace........
Monday, August 3, 2009
TRUE COLORS
People's "TRUE COLORS" are so bright, shining through with unique quality, clarity, purpose, fear, determination, passion, simplicity, honesty and love. Is it this forum, somewhat anonymous that allows for this? Were we all to be face to face, would our colors be seen so vividly, so honestly, so fearlessly, so lovingly. I believe they would. I have found that certain posts have touched me so deeply, brought me to my knees, brought me to relief, found me naked, covered me in truth - it is all so intimate and yet it is a mirage of colors, true colors, beautiful, just like a rainbow........"
Great song huh? And so I reflect today on the "colors" of all of us. How I have received each of you and how my world is colored by your presence. albeit in blog-land. But it is bigger, more than blog-land. I see your images, words, faces, surroundings. family, foods, friends - I feel your hopes, dreams, sorrows, joys, fears and love. I sense your passion and awareness and what excites you and what enlightens you and what frightens you. I wish I could hold you. I wish you could hold me.
I feel a responsibility to each of you. To post, to comment, to embrace. And what of something horrid - I would want you to know. And what of something wondrous, I would want you to know. Is this real? We have never met, or have we? What is it to meet someone? I feel intimately connected to all of you and we have never looked into each other's eyes. I feel adored and adoration, I feel sensual feelings, I feel aroused and heightened, challenged and appreciated. You have all reached to me through space and time and we have met. In some odd tangible way we have met, and formed a unity of lives and loves and commitment and kindness, respect and truth. This is so colorful and so true, 'true colors......"....beautiful, just like a rainbow. :-)
Love Gail
peace..........
Great song huh? And so I reflect today on the "colors" of all of us. How I have received each of you and how my world is colored by your presence. albeit in blog-land. But it is bigger, more than blog-land. I see your images, words, faces, surroundings. family, foods, friends - I feel your hopes, dreams, sorrows, joys, fears and love. I sense your passion and awareness and what excites you and what enlightens you and what frightens you. I wish I could hold you. I wish you could hold me.
I feel a responsibility to each of you. To post, to comment, to embrace. And what of something horrid - I would want you to know. And what of something wondrous, I would want you to know. Is this real? We have never met, or have we? What is it to meet someone? I feel intimately connected to all of you and we have never looked into each other's eyes. I feel adored and adoration, I feel sensual feelings, I feel aroused and heightened, challenged and appreciated. You have all reached to me through space and time and we have met. In some odd tangible way we have met, and formed a unity of lives and loves and commitment and kindness, respect and truth. This is so colorful and so true, 'true colors......"....beautiful, just like a rainbow. :-)
Love Gail
peace..........
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